Why is it harder to write again?
Maybe it is one question I have been asking for many times. I enjoyed formulating my thoughts, but I have constantly procrastinated. I enjoyed writing, but I have constantly resent it. I guess I have to really process this thing. You can consider this post an update, or you can consider it a sharing.
Things don’t really go well on my side, no income for the past 2 months as my mind was divided into 3 areas, my study in Knowledge Management, my freelancing programmer, and my job search in Knowledge Management area, either full or part time.
Seemingly, there are ways for me to pursue either of them, even both of them. But now? None of them is confirmed yet. The uncertainties seems to be numerous, there are a lot I need to improve first, but I believe in one thing…
Everything will work out in the end. If it is not working out, it’s not the end.
~Max Lucado (Fearless)
Back to the question, why is it getting harder for me to write? Here is my answer: in short, it’s fear. You want it longer? Here is what I thought of:
1) Fear of not making the ends meet
The Maslow’s hierarchy of needs seems to be true. If you can’t make sure a bowl of rice on your table, you may not be able to think much about self-actualization. It seems that my worry for financial has overtaken me, and I’ve been putting my hobby aside because of that. Somehow, I believe that I need to stop wasting my time here and I need to put more effort to get me better career.
2) Fear of exposure
You search my full name, and you’ll find my LinkedIn account and the about page in this blog. Knowing that, I want to ensure that I don’t write something that eventually hurt my possibility to get the job I want or I need. Sometimes I worry, am I exposing too much of me here? The idea of open-source life is great, but is it too naive? Someone told me, confession is good for the soul, but not good for the reputation.
3) Fear of inconsistency
I’ve been really disappointed with my writing. It’s not consistent at all. Am I putting my bar too high? Maybe. I am trapped in that all-or-nothing thinking. I chose not to write, rather than write things inconsistently. If I am not doing well, I was thinking why I should bother doing this at all. Maybe I should quit doing this totally like what Seth Godin told me.
4) Fear of no time
No time to share knowledge. That sounds familiar to me. It was one of the presentations my classmates did to share with us the obstacle of knowledge sharing. It happened to me. It’s somehow related to the first fear I shared above. Truly, I was thinking of sharing more of what I learned in my blog. They could be taken from my study, or the books I read. However, knowing that it will take too much time, I’ve got to choose to pick selectively.
There is another thing I have delayed for a while, that is announcing my new blog, KM-4-Life (www.km4life.com). I have written several posts over there in a more professional way, planning that it could be the portal that I will direct my freelance clients to. It’s not been updated regularly yet, as I am still uncertain about the direction of my career right now.
Freelancing is certainly not a heaven on earth. The possibilities could be exciting, but the uncertainties could be scary. It could energize you or drain your energy. It has made me thinking a lot about what I really want out of my life. It is teaching me to live under whatever constraint I have. It is teaching me to have more self-control and discipline. It is teaching me to surrender to God for whatever plans He has in my life. My prayer is for Him to open the right door, and close the wrong door.
Again, I believe in one thing right now…
Everything will work out in the end. If it’s not working out, then it’s not the end.
~Max Lucado (Fearless)
At least now I’m making the courage to write despite the fears above. If you have any thoughts on those fears above, please share them in the comments. Maybe I can learn one thing or two from your comments.