Should you fake your confidence?

Should you fake it before you make it?

Mary Jacksh wrote the danger of faking it in her article, “Why Faking It Can be Soul-destroying“. Some people agreed and some are not. It’s an interesting discussion and I would like to share more about my opinion here.

How often have you heard the quote “faking it before you make it”? In some degree the quote reflects some concepts in growth. But it is not always effective if it stays alone. Let me share with you more on what you can and cannot fake.

The danger of faking your confidence

Mary shared about the danger of faking your confidence. One of them is on affirmation. You may have told your overweight self in the mirror “slim and beautiful.” Or that person in the mirror who was struggling to make ends meet “a millionaire”. As Mary put it, those are the times “we are trying to brainwash ourselves.”

Yet, someone is not seen in the mirror, one little voice that will not accept that. It keeps on saying, “you are not that slim”, “you are not that rich”, “you are not that great”, and so on. It’s our subconscious mind, one that usually controls us.

It’s one that will not let you delusion yourself. By force, you may have changed what you believe consciously, but things will not change unless you deal with much bigger part that controls you. Your subconscious mind. And affirmation is hardly able to change your subconscious mind.

Declaration instead of affirmation

When you want to reach certain place, you need to know both the destination and the place where you are at. Only then you will know how you can reach your goal. That is why affirmation is not enough.

T Harv Eker taught me in his book, Secrets of The Millionaire Mind, on the power of declaration. To be exact, I will share with you the complete definition from his book…

The difference between a declaration and an affirmation is slight, but in my mind, powerful. The definition of an affirmation is “a positive statement asserting that a goal you wish to achieve is already happening.” The definition of a declaration is “to state an official intention to undertake a particular course of action or adopt a particular status.”
~T. Harv Eker

While affirmation fake yourselves that you have achieved your goal, declaration encouraged yourselves to start making actions to achieve your goal. It takes into account where you are right now and the actions you need to take. It is the hope you have for things that you have not seen. And it is the journey, something that you can enjoy right here, right now.

What you need to fake

Now, let me share with you why sometimes you need to fake your confidence, as what many comments on Mary’s article has said.

David Rogers has an interesting article on how to have confidence; the article from which I knew about the quote about faking it before making it.

Part of gaining confidence is learning to “fake it before you make it.”
~David Rogers

If it is a part of gaining your self-confidence, but how can you learn to fake your confidence?

Easter Eggs With Masks
Creative Commons License photo credit: adobemac

1. Smile
This is David Rogers’ very simple way to improve your self-confidence. Simply smile! Because you are unable to think negative thoughts and smile at the same time.

More than that, there is an interesting fact that Tim Brownson shared on smiling and happiness…

With happiness it’s also important to understand that there is a direct physiological connection between smiling and feeling better. Even if the smile is ‘fake’ it still sends the same hard-wired signal to the brain that things are well.
~Tim Brownson

2. Non-verbal/posture
The second thing you need to observe is your non-verbal cues. Do you walk straight, put your chest forward just like a winner? Or do you walk with a hunch in your back, just like loser? Many people are carried by their mood and emotion that it is shown in their non-verbal cues. Some people choose to save their energy too often, leaning against the wall or other. For more complete tips on posture, I would like to recommend Tina Su’s article, Don’t Break Your Back.

3. Attire and appearances
What do you wear? Is that showing some style? How about your hair style? How about your body smell? Have you put enough deodorant? Will people see you and think that you’re a sloppy person? And by the way, you may want to consider one product recommended by my friend, deodorant that you need to use only once a week, which readers in Singapore can get it in Watson.

4. Action
Have you heard this quote, that courage is not the absence of fear, but the actions you do in spite of your fear. Most people choose to procrastinate when they are not feeling confident. Only when keep on doing the right things, do what we have committed despite of our feelings that we can grow and change.

The second and third points above were taught by my friend, Joseph. He shared that confidence does not always come from inside out, sometimes it comes outside in. Put smile, put the right posture and attires, do the right thing, and see how it will affect your confidence. As Mary put it, see that we can actually influence what we feel by doing the right thing.

Beyond faking your confidence

1. Make it!
Don’t stop at faking it. Mary’s reader, Holly Hoffman shared that faking-it has been helpful in recovering from alcohol addiction. When she did not have faith that is larger than her, she faked it. But in the end, what really matters is whether or not she manages to let go the alcohol. It’s no longer effective if even after 18 months you’re not progressing. As what she said, “The idea, of course, is that you make it.”

2. Get to the root!
What faking cannot do is to really get into the root. There are always subconscious mind that influence our behaviors. We need to reflect and see what “I”s are working in you. Only when you get to the root and deal with it, you can be confident without the need of faking it out. Please read an article I wrote earlier, This is the world of “I”s, for you to learn more about what you need to deal with the root of the matters.

Concluding thought

Over a month ago, I shared a quote from Zig Ziglar, “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing - that’s why we recommend it daily.” But now, I learned something different, that motivation by itself is not enough, we all need to get to the heart of the matters. While faking is useful, making it required more than that.

Kill the king, and the soldiers will run away. Deal with the source, and the pain will go away. Isn’t that great if we can have authentic confidence?

For your success,
Robert

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Comments: 13 comments

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  • Shamelle - TheEnhanceLife
    October 1st, 2008 at 3:18 am

    Yes, I also think that you need to fake it, till you make it ;0)
    Of course it totally depends on the situation. For example, at work if you are to give a speech in front of 100 people, if you haven’t done it before you are sure to feel the nerves.

    Shamelle - TheEnhanceLifes last blog post..Over Spending & Impulse Buying: 8 Reasons Why You’re Not To Blame

  • Tabs
    October 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 am

    Are you kidding? Yes, fake it. No one is confident 100% of the time, you have to do whatever it takes to get the job done, the better you do the more confident you get. Rome wasn’t build in one day.

    Thanks for the post,

    -Tabs

    Tabss last blog post..Visualize What You Want – Daily Vigilance with Tabs

  • Robert A.
    October 2nd, 2008 at 10:31 am

    @Shamelle & Tabs, thanks for pointing out how important faking is.. But eventually we need to work on the root, the faking must go deeper and influence the internal self. Otherwise, the faking will just become a delusion.
    Thanks for the comments. Much appreciate them!
    Robert

  • Irene | Light Beckons
    October 2nd, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    Interesting post Robert. :) I think faking it is OK as long as it’s a stepping stone to actually making it. Sometimes by faking it, we do (strangely) get a sense of how it could feel to make it, and that can be a form of confidence boost for real! Having said that, too much of faking can be painfully obvious and a complete turn-off. I think it’s OK to show a little lack of confidence every now and then … just substitute that lack with a lot of sincerity. ;)
    Irene | Light Beckonss last blog post..Beverly Takes A Break

  • rummuser
    October 2nd, 2008 at 3:42 pm

    Robert, I think that there has been some mis-communication with respect to the AA program. The older sober members suggest that newcomers fake belief till they make it. Handing over one’s entire life to a higher power is the basis on which the success of AA is built. For non believers this route is suggested to satisfy themselves that it works. Normally, the group itself assumes the place of the higher power for the addict. The proof of the pudding is in eating it and the success rate of this suggestion, at least in the AA, is proof enough that this works.

    rummusers last blog post..Living A Life Of Fulfillment.

  • Ari Koinuma
    October 3rd, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    Here are some of my observations.

    1) Obviously, it is best if you have no need to fake it. That is the ideal. And to get to this state, getting down to the root and building yourself up authentically and wholly is the way to go.
    2) “Faking” as in adapting some habits, such as dressing for success, adapting a good posture, looking someone in the eyes — can have a great impact on #1 actually, as what we do can greatly shape how we feel, not just the other way around. So in this sense, this is useful.
    3) “Faking” because you are insecure to face the truth is detrimental. This will continue the lie that’s covering up why you are not confident.
    4) There are situations where you have to do things you have never done before. As others pointed out, it’s hard to have confidence in this situation. As in #3, it’s not useful to overly boost yourself up just to cover up your insecurities. However, even when you face your insecurities, that’s still not a reason to act insecurely, as that only reinforces it. This is where you want to adapt habits and behaviors of success, because that’s what you want to reinforce. Don’t lie, but act as if you are already a success anyway.

    So from the outside, it would appear that either way the course of the action is the same. But inside, I think there’s a big difference. The difference is that one scenario will help build a true confidence, and the other will have the opposite effect.

    ari

    Ari Koinumas last blog post..The Only One Who Can Teach

  • Evan
    October 4th, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    I like what Ari has to say about different situations.

    Having seen the root it may be possible to then do some ‘faking’ as a way of getting the new way of being to be part of you. I wouldn’t call it faking though - more trying out new stuff. Faking it for me has the feeling of being sure about what works (this is usually unlikely I think).

    Evans last blog post..What Do You Say?

  • Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk
    October 5th, 2008 at 3:58 am

    Affirmations work for me, but that might just mean I choose them wisely. They’re a way of telling my subconscious mind what I’m aiming for. If there’s a part of me that objects, then it will let me know and I’ll listen. It’s not brainwashing, it’s starting a deep conversation.

    Jean Browman–Cheerful Monks last blog post..Creating a Sacred Space

  • Robert A.
    October 5th, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    I was asking Irene what she meant by sincerity that substitute confidence… Here is her explanation that I want to share with you guys…

    ——————————————
    My personal take on confidence is that nobody can be absolutely confident in all areas of life. We can usually find confidence in areas that resonate with our core values, for example some people are fantastic cooks but put them on a marketing project team and they could turn into the most insecure person on earth. What’s important is that we don’t beat ourselves up or belittle ourselves when we feel “misplaced”. Everyone is an expert in something and if we can recognise that, we can acknowledge our “lack” with more ease. Of course this does not mean we shouldn’t learn or try to progress in the areas that we’re lacking in … I just find that during this transition period while we progress from “lack” to “expert”, sincerity can help to eliminate some of the discomfort. Perhaps it’s humility, or just simply an acknowledgement that “I’m sorry I really don’t know much about xxx, but I’m very keen to hear about your insights on this topic” could make things easier for ourselves as well as the people we interact or learn from. Our openness to admit our lack and show our sincerity can sometimes trigger others to open up too, and in turn they could even share more of their knowledge with us.
    —————————————–

  • Robert A.
    October 5th, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    @Jean, I love your idea of getting a deep conversation. That’s also what I meant by getting to the root and deal with them. It’s much better than just faking confidence without any self-reflection.

    Thanks for everyone that has commented. Really appreciate them.
    Cheers,
    Robert

  • Eva White
    October 10th, 2008 at 5:28 am

    Nice post. A lot of tips for those low on confidence. The ultimate is to be comfortable with who you are and the confidence will flow on its own.

  • blackzero85
    November 8th, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    One thing, act normally and all is well.

    blackzero85s last blog post..Does Entrecard Help Your Blog or Not?

  • Armen Shirvanian
    November 10th, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    I would say that one should certainly fake their confidence if it isn’t already there. Faking confidence or other desired traits is a wonderful way to see what kind of results would show up, and if they are motivating enough to go for real production of the feeling. User-generated confidence that isn’t based on a lack of insecurity may not be a long-term approach, but it can lead to one pursuing the long-term quality.

    Armen Shirvanians last blog post..Leading By Example - Guest Post

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