Do you embrace disagreement?

If two men on the same job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless.
~Darryl F. Zanuck

The quote above is taken from the book Winning with People by John C. Maxwell. The book is sharing on how to find agreement in the middle of disagreement but I’m not going to talk about agreement here. I’m interested to share more about the first part of the quote. It’s about disagreement, why it is important and how to handle them.

Inspiration

Last week I had a chat with one of my “apprentice”. I am leading a small bible study group, and I was asking one of them for some feedback on the articles I have written. The feedback again was not satisfying. He mentioned that he disagreed on some of my points though he could not remember them. My first reaction: I was disappointed. Subsequently, I was reminded on the quote above. That reminded me that I should have embraced disagreement. The disagreement proves that my “apprentice” is not useless. And I should be grateful that he can express his disagreement.

So here are some lessons on disagreement I would like to share:

• Express disagreement
  It is alright to express disagreement. Even more, it is important to express disagreement. Do not become a passive person. Dr. Henry Cloud was sharing the importance on boundary when he mentioned, “It is difficult to feel close to passive person, for we always have to guess what they want.” However, we need to learn to express disagreement in the right manner, right timing and less emotional.
• Embrace disagreement
  Be thankful when you are facing disagreement. Disagreement means that the person you are working with, the person you are relating with is not useless. I believe we all do not want to relate with useless people.
• Learn from disagreement
  Scott H. Young was sharing an insightful article on debate. One great insight that struck me was his statement that we are not debating to win. Debates, according to Scott, are useful to learn, to find out another viewpoint, and to expose our opinion. Debates/disagreement is useful as a learning process, to learn more about the other opinion, as well as exploring more about your opinion.

Lessons from ostrich:

1) Ostrich is stupid

I believe you have watched it in the cartoon or documentation. Or maybe you have heard it from a speaker taking ostrich as an illustration of a stupid/naive behavior. Ostrich is a large bird, but it has an interesting behavior in hiding its head, laying it on the ground to protect itself from danger. It hides its head while the whole body are vulnerable.

Many speakers take ostrich as an example of a silly behavior. They call it an action of running away from conflict/reality. They call it as as an action where you withdraw from the danger lies ahead for a false sense of peace.

That is the same case when you do not express disagreement. It is an action of pretending that everything seems alright while you are actually in a deep trouble. It might seem peaceful under the ground when you ignore the problem, but that will not solve the problem.

I recently listened to a podcast from Marcos Witt, the message was delivered as a part of Joel Osteen Podcast. He is also using ostrich as an example of a person running away from conflict. He mentioned that ignoring does not solve the problem. What he suggested instead are the 5 steps forming the word P.E.A.C.E. That consists of:

• P: Plan, that involves finding the right timing, think of what you’re going to say, how that eventually you do not hurt the person.
• E: Embrace the other person’s point of view.
• A: Actively seek for a solution.
  
• C: Confront the problem, not the person.
  
• E: Emphasize on the reconciliation. It’s not about winning or getting your demand met. It’s about reconciling the relationship.
  

2) Ostrich is clever

You may not know this. But here is the real reason why ostrich laying its head on the ground, taken from Wikipedia.

When lying down and hiding from predators, the birds lay their head and neck flat on the ground, making them appear as a mound of earth from a distance. This even works for the males, as they hold their wings and tail low so that the heat haze of the hot, dry air that often occurs in their habitat aids in making them appear as a nondescript dark lump.
~Ostrich @ Wikipedia

It turns out that ostrich is actually a clever animal. The action they take is excellent. Not only it is based on their understanding of the enemies/predators, it also takes into consideration the environment and the climate they are in. Isn’t that a clever strategy and calculation?

What is the lesson from this?

• Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Take an opportunity to look everything from the other side of the story, the other person’s perspective. Try to walk on their shoes or their heels.*
  
• Ask if you have no idea about the other person’s point of view. Do not only express disagreement without asking the other person’s opinion. We often take conclusion too early and we all need to give opportunity to the other person to share their thoughts.
• Use the knowledge. As you gain the knowledge of both party’s point of view, you will be able to work together on how to reconcile the disagreement.
  

Below I shared a song titled “Walk a mile in my shoes”, it’s really a nice song with great lyric on understanding each other.

3) Ostrich is both stupid and clever

What is the lesson here? We all can learn from disagreement. The two opinions whether the ostrich is clever or stupid get us some lessons on handling conflict. Similarly, there is something to learn in all disagreement. If there is a lesson that we can learn from an animal, certainly we all can learn from anyone.

Embrace disagreement as a proof that both of you are not useless. Take disagreement as an opportunity to learn and not to win. Take an approach where we all can have a win-win relationship, instead of win-lose conclusion.

I have shared a lot of thought-provoking articles in this blog and some of the incoming comments shared their disagreement on the subject. Their comments help me to learn from a different point of view, and amazingly, that help me to learn more about my opinion on the matter. I’d like to thank all of them, I could not mention all of them but here are the recent ones, Evan, Maria, and James Woo.

Your action: learn to embrace the disagreement you encounter! First, as an opportunity to be grateful for the other person. And second, as an opportunity to learn from them.

Any disagreement? Share your thoughts in the comments so that we all can learn!

For your success,
Robert

*taking the word from JEMi’s blog =D