All you need to know to create your own happiness
February 29, 2008
How do you define happiness?
Many relate happiness with something they need to pursue and have. Many say that they need to have this and that to be happy.
But here is my finding about happiness, taken from Dan Gilbert video on TedTalk.
We synthesize happiness but we think happiness is a thing to be found.
Dan Gilbert
If I have to define happiness, it is not something that you need to find somewhere; happiness is an option of your response to your circumstances. Happiness is your choice, not what the circumstances give you. Happiness is something you can synthesize…
How can you synthesize happiness?
From the video, I got this following quote…
“I’m so much better off physically, financially, emotionally, and almost every way,” -”mentally … almost every other way”- “I don’t have one minute’s regret. It was a glorious experience”- “I believe it turned out for the best.”
Those quotes are not from people without problem. In fact, those are from people within the following criteria…
First, accrue wealth, power, and prestige, and then lose it.
Second, spend as much of your life in prison as you possibly can.
Third, make somebody else really, really rich.Dan Gilbert
Despite of their difficult situation, they find meaning and are thankful with it. It does not matter with your circumstances, but it matters a lot with your response. The three steps in creating your happiness…
1. “I don’t have one minute’s regret.”
The first is the sense of being stuck. Stuck where you are right now, stuck with the decisions you have made, stuck with the circumstances that has happened with you.
Being stuck means that you are no longer looking forward for anybody to be blamed, not even God, the universe, or yourself. Feeling stuck means that you are grateful with what you have and what you are doing right now.
Dan’s research also shows that people who are not given any chance to change their past decision will be more likely to be happy. Do the same with the decisions that you have made, be thankful of them, do not look back, and do not expect a chance to undo your past decision.
For in-depth discussion on being stuck with the decision that you have made, you can check the article “What you have to do with your decision”.
2. “I believe it turned out for the best.”
The second that you need to have is the belief that everything works for your best. Recently I watched Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech 2005; his message for the graduating students was very inspirational (find out the transcript here). The first point he mentioned is about connecting the dots.
Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.
Steve Jobs
When you look forward, you may not understand the things that have happened to you, but when you keep on moving forward, eventually you will see, looking backward, that everything, your successes and failures, your good and bad circumstances, will somehow connected for the best. If you believe in God, trust that God will make everything good in his time.
3. “I have confidence to follow my heart”
The third step, follow your heart.
You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever — because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well-worn path, and that will make all the difference.
Steve Jobs
Start making a move! If you want to connect the dots, do not let circumstances give you all the dots, make some dots on your own too! Do things that you believe for! Try things that you wished for, try learning something that you wanted to, try the business opportunity you have been thinking of. As what Steve Jobs said, follow your heart and it will make all the difference.
Happiness happens when you move forward, not when you stay idle.
How do you rate your happiness now, versus when you were a child?
If I have to rate on a scale 1-10, I will give a 10. That does not mean that I do not have any bad circumstances and failures that I have today, but because now is the only moment you have.
As I have shared above, you create happiness; and you can only create something with what you have. You can’t change your past and you haven’t got your future, so you better be happy NOW!
What do you do on a daily basis that brings you happiness?
If I ask you what the happiest moment in your life was, what will be your answer?
- Some of us will be reminded of the special day with our loved one(s), the day you say “I love you”, your first date, your wedding day, your honeymoon or your time with your friends and family,
- some of us will be reminded of the day we achieved our goal, the day you break the record, the day you made your best deal, the day you achieve your business goal,
- some of us will be reminded of the day we are rewarded, maybe your birthday, and everyone throws you a surprise birthday party, when somebody give you what you have longed for, or the time you get promoted on your job, and
- some of us will be reminded of the day we gave, the day we’re able to help somebody, we ministered and made impact to other people’s life.
Joyce Meyer will answer the above question this way…
I have decided that today is going to be the happiest day of my life! Tomorrow I will make the same decision, and the day after that and so on.
Joyce Meyer
Similarly, make “day-size” happiness everyday! Some examples…
- Spend some quality time with your special-one today, simply spending time together for a meal and sharing to one another from the heart can be useful,
- make small goal each day, something you can easily achieved, simply a decision to grow and make improvement every day is something that you can be happy about,
- reward yourself for what you have achieved, no matter how small it is, look at how far you have changed/grown so far, not about how far to go!
- bless somebody, give somebody, even a simple encouragement or a pat on the back can be a great blessing for others and big impact for them.
The principle that will help you to create “day-size” happiness:
1. Your response: Have a miracle everyday
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein
This is quoted from Shamelle at EnhanceLife on her About page. Similarly, be excited about even the small things in life; be excited even with a small success, small achievement, short encouragement, and short comments that you got from someone.
Respond to each day as if it is a miracle for you. With a miracle every day, how can’t you be happy?
2. Your action: Live life as you will die tomorrow
Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you will die tomorrow!
James Dean
If it depends on you, live your life as if you will die tomorrow. I have shared a message before based on the quote above, titled “Dream as if you will live forever!”, sharing with you that besides having a big dream, you need to live each day as our very best, do something that you will not regret even if you will die tomorrow.
What things take away from your happiness?
In short, it is disappointment, when things do not go as what you desire, when people are criticizing you, when you are disappointed with yourself making the same mistakes over and over again. Those will rob you away from happiness.
How can you lessen the impact of disappointments?
1. Experience the pain
Robin Sharma shared a message in his Podcast, titled “You are caught by what you resist”.
What you resist will persist, but what you befriend, you will transcend.
Robin Sharma
What are you resisting? Are you resisting your fear, are you resisting your sadness, are you resisting confrontation and telling the truth? If you do that, it is called denial. Similarly, do not deny your disappointments, experience the pain and befriend with them, if possible take some lessons from them, and eventually you will transcend them.
2. Limit your mourning
Taken from the real life-story of Morrie Schwartz –shared in the book “Tuesdays with Morrie”, written by Mitch Albom—, a wise old man that was suffering ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis), a disease that slowly made his body deteriorated. It eventually got into his heart and killed him, slowly but surely.
ALS is like a lit candle; it melts your nerves and leaves your body a pile of wax.
Mitch Albom
The disease sounds very bad, doesn’t it? Morrie did not deny the pain that he experienced from the illness. From his own words, this is what he did every day when he woke up…
…I feel around my body, I move my fingers and my hands –whatever I can still move—and I mourn what I have lost. I mourn the slow, insidious way in which I’m dying. But then I stop mourning.
Morrie Schwartz
He continued on…
I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all good things still in my life. On the people who are coming to see me. On the stories I’m going to hear. On you –if it’s Tuesday…
Morrie Schwartz
Similarly, experience but do not keep on nurturing your pain, limit your mourning time and focus on the good things that happen in your life.
3. Be open and honest, ask for what you need
Don’t pretend that things are all right when they aren’t. Playing games only creates an environment of distrust, suspicion, and doubt.
Jack M. Zufelt @ DNA of Success
I always think that I am an open and honest person, but I’m so humbled by my experience right now. Something troubled me in my relationships with friends I am staying with. I played victims so much in my relationship with them. Opening up my need will only cause me judged as selfish and sensitive; that hurts me and made it hard for me to open up sharing my feeling and need.
I tell you, it’s not a good experience, as what Jack said, it creates much of distrust, suspicion and doubt I have towards them. Friends, I’m learning to open up, I hope you too! This quote has bugged me so much the past one month…
If you have to choose between hiding your feelings and being totally open, honest, and candid, always choose the latter. When you stuff your feelings, you only hurt yourself and others.
Jack M. Zufelt
As what Jack shared, the rewards of opening up are great…
By allowing yourself to be true, you will allow others to be open, honest, and safe with you, and then they can stop playing games around you.
Jack M. Zufelt
4. Affirm that you are under construction
What I would like to share with you is visualizing the under construction signboard next to you or your dream. When you are thinking that you are under construction, you will be very much relieved, you let go of the need to be perfect now, you can forgive yourself now, while still pursuing your goal.
My dream is becoming a leader; hence I shared an article before, titled “Leader under construction (Tips not to beat yourself)”. You may make the same mistake over and over again, somebody may have criticized you, but when you say to yourself that you are under construction…
- You’re declaring your dream
- You’re not going to be too critical with yourself
- You will not think that you are lousy because of the critics that are coming to you
- You are still committed to your dream
What should you plan on doing in the future that will bring you even more happiness?
I titled this article… “All you need to know to create your own happiness”. There is one more important fact to get ALL you need to know about creating your own happiness.
That is the fact that… this list is far from complete about creating your own happiness. What you need to do is keep on learning and keep on sharing. Steve Jobs ended his message with a profound statement…
Stay hungry, stay foolish.
Steve Jobs
Keep on learning from life, keep on developing your character, stay hungry and stay foolish, learn from others, believe that everyone got something to teach you.
This article is posted as a part of Alex Shalman Happiness Project, I am sure that you will learn a lot about happiness from the other articles involved in this project. Do check it out by clicking the image below!
Similarly, I’m looking forward to learn from you, please share any tips, any insights on happiness in the comments. I’m looking forward to hear from you!
Related articles:
- What you have to do with your decision (6 comments)
- Leader under construction (Tips not to beat yourself) (4 comments)
- The naive’s guide to happiness (How to be naive and happy) (6 comments)
- Dream as if you will live forever! (9 comments)
- What’s the happiest day in your life? (15 comments)
For your success,
Robert
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22 Comments-->
Hey Robert, what an awesome entry to the Happiness Project! Thank you for your contribution.
I’ve added you to the Happiness Project page, and invite all your readers to participate as well!
Hi, Robert. I agree that we create our own happiness, and “the devil is in the details” as the saying goes. I’d like to know more about how you personally do it. In particular, when does being open and honest with your roommates help and when does it make things worse? My experience is there are times you don’t want to talk about feelings because it makes you appear too needy. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest with yourself about what you’re feeling, and it doesn’t mean you can’t share with safe people.
Also, what are your options in housing? Could you find more congenial roommates? Please share a bit more of your own experience. Thanks!
Hi Alex, thanks a lot! Also for the questions that you have shared, that makes me ponder a lot about what should I share and what I know about happiness. That also make me things a lot about what makes me unhappy and how I should overcome it.
Cheers to the happiness project!
Robert
Hi Jean, thanks for asking. Okay, just after I posted this message, my friends and I had a long discussion here. I started opening up,
I was inspired by Johari Window that recently being reminded of. There are so many “don’t knows” in my relationship with my flatmates. And that really troubled me, as what Jack shared above.
I do think that the key is ourself, when we open up, beware of the emotion that rise up, the increasing ego, the heat that rises up. I felt as if emotion comes in, you better quiet for a moment.
I read an interesting message about debate from Scott H. Young.
There, he mentioned about debating to learn and to know the perspective from the other person. Debating is not for us to win our argument.
Similarly, open up and learn from other person. But usually, we have to take the first step to open up, otherwise the other person will not open up.
Yesterday, I had a great night, we talked so much about the nitty gritty that bugged us a lot, and I felt much more relieved as the burden goes away. At the end, I think it’s not about how our need can be met, but how we can communicate our need, and at the end understanding one another better.
Another thing is to really vulnerable, throw your ego, let them know how sensitive and selfish you are, at least you admit and you’re trying to become a better person. My opinion: stuffing up will not change the situation.
As what Robin Sharma said, what you resist persist, what you befriend, you will transcend.
And one more thing, is finding the right time and the right person to talk to, this is the mistake I made last night, I talked to the one that I have most problem with, and possibly not at the right time. You may have to consider going through a third party first, to avoid hurting the other person.
And by the way, right now I’m not thinking of finding any other housing option. I’m quite happy with them, it’s only that things has been stuffed up for months, that really breaks me down. Hopefully we can still keep our relationship better, so at the end we will still be friends.
That’s my two-cents,
Robert
“At the end, I think it’s not about how our need can be met, but how we can communicate our need, and at the end understanding one another better.” Stone, Patton and Heen in the book Difficult Conversations call that a “learning conversation”. And that’s the crucial attitude. You might also like Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. My favorite idea from that book is the distinction he makes between a request and a demand. It’s not how you say it as much as your reaction if the other person says no. If you get upset then it was really a demand. Thanks for giving us more details.
Oops. For some reason Cheerful Monk didn’t come through on that last comment.
I stumbled this post.
Jean
What a great post Robert - clearly shows your skill on the subject
At least I enjoyed reading it.
I don’t think I will ever get to a “10″ on a happiness scale, and I’m very glad it is that way. Think about it. If you get a 10, then how is anything going to be better? I’d rather want the ability to change myself and my life into the better, and I am therefor always at a state of happiness between “7″ and “9″.
Once again nice post Robert.
Alex
Robert,
I’m going through a major life change - it’s all for the better - and I’m learning all about happiness in the moment, which to me is the most important happiness there is. After having left a very comfortable job for freelance work and much free time to myself, I was, magically it seems, cured of a lifetime of ADD I’ve had. I was cured by a technique called Brain Integration Technique and I’ve started writing about it in my new blog, http://BrainIntegrationBlog.com. Now that thoughts aren’t spinning around in my head all the time and distracting me, and now that I’m not needing to do things constantly to stimulate my brain, I find that I am much happier, much more in the moment, much more content.
So, don’t discount the struggle that many people have in thinking clearly that affects their happiness. Food, drugs, bad relationships, past and present emotional stress and many other things keep people from being present and being happy. Now that ADD is behind me I’m starting to learn that.
Nice article Robert, I like your perspective on happiness.
Tejvan
@Jean,
Hi Jean, thanks a lot for sharing the book with me, what you say about distinguishing a request and demand really open my eyes. I will call it as learning conversation as well. Phew, it was a tough night, but at least we ended up pretty good.
I’m still wondering why for few times, your Cheerful Monk doesn’t come through, and I have to approve your comments before it appears.
Thanks for the stumble!
@Alex,
Thanks for the comment Alex, great thoughts there, I put a 10 there as a way to say not to look back to the past, focusing on what we can do today, and make today as our happiest day in our life, but compared to the future, I agree with what you say, 7 or 9, as tomorrow will be another happiest day =D
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
@Sol,
Hi Sol, thank you for your comments! Congratz for your new blog, I’m sure this one is going to help a lot of people fighting with ADD. I just got to know ADD from you, looking forward to learn more from you. Thanks for the comments!
@Tejvan,
Thanks for your comment. Appreciate it very much!
Have a happy day everyone!
Cheers,
Robert
Robert, Learning to follow our heart doesn’t always bring Happiness per say, - but it will bring an authentic life, which is so valuable to our wellbeing and soul.
You put a lot of thought into this article. Applause applause!
Michelle Vandepas’s last blog post..By: Michelle Vandepas
Michelle,
You make a very important point. There’s happiness and there’s joy. Joy and pain can coexist. Joy is about being fully alive, fully present, and fully engaged. Joy is about doing what your soul calls you to do regardless of discomfort or fear.
Sol Lederman’s last blog post..Brain integration post on my Math blog
Very comprehensive post on happiness. I was really motivated after reading your post. Thank you!
Thanks again, for the link love to my blog- Enhance Life.
Shamelle
Shamelle @ Enhance Life’s last blog post..Intimate Details Of My Love Affair With Writing!
Hi Robert,
I love the under construction stuffs.
It’s funny to me but it makes sense.
Raymond Chua’s last blog post..The Secret to Eliminate Your Fear
Hi Robert,
Another thought-provoking and inspiring article - thank you. I recently interviewed Shirley Cheng. She is both blind and disabled but considers herself to be ultra-abled! She has authored/co-authored 28 books and she’s only 25!
She is one of the most positive people I have met. Despite all that she has been through she still has such a zest for life. She fully embodies the notion that we should celebrate life. She is definitely a happy soul.
A while back, I wrote an article called “In Pursuit of Happiness and Success”. If you like to share some of my thoughts on the subject, you can listen to it or read it by clicking the following link - In Pursuit of Happiness and Success.
Nickolove Lovemore’s last blog post..Skyline Coaching Announces the 180 Day Goal Success Challenge - Reach for the Sky!
[...] Nickolove Lovemore: Hi Robert, Another thought-provoking… [...]
Hi Michelle and Sol,
Thanks for the discussion, I have posted another article on the pursuit of happiness that involve your thoughts, I do agree joy and happiness may involve struggle as well.
Cheers,
Robert
@Shamelle,
You’re welcome, that is very inspiring quote, live life as if everything is a miracle.
Thanks
@Raymond,
glad you like the post, we are all under construction on our success, keep on learning, keep on sharing
@Nickolove,
that is an awesome article, thanks for the interview, I have shared more about you and Cheng in my subsequent post, the pursuit of happiness, check it out.
Thanks,
Robert
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