Dating Introvert: Men’s not-to-do list in getting a date

Feb 21, 2008 by

How was your Valentine day last week?
Do you manage to have a date, or do you spend the night alone?

I have made mistakes… I realized after 25th years of my alone (and sometimes lonely) Valentine day. I have no experience in dating. You may wonder… what can you learn about dating from someone who has never dated before?

It’s the mistakes! This article will share with you insights that open my eyes, things that you should avoid in getting your date. That is the not-to-do list of finding your date.

More importantly, these points are not for you to get any date, not for you to turn any women to be your date; this is about finding the right one for you, not the perfect one (because no one is perfect) but your real true love.

Here it is, the 9 things not to do to get your true love…

1. do not be desperate.

This is inspired by Craig Harper, on his article, Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo. Here’s what he mentioned about your single time now…

People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation – not attractive.

Craig Harper

Remember, desperation is just not attractive!

2. do not be isolated.

Introverts enjoy being alone, or I should say it, introverts need to be alone to be recharged; hence they find networking and gathering draining their energy. If you’re looking for a date, isolation will never help. Gathering and stuff are important; they will help you know more friends and women especially.

Be aware that this kind of event will normally drain your energy, so ensure that you’re in tip top condition before you come to such event, so that you will look confident and comfortable to get to know more people.

3. do not start analyzing your new friend to become your date.

Here is a trap that many thinkers will do, they start thinking with their logic, observing and analyzing a friend they just started to know, evaluating them against the criteria of a desired date, start ticking all the satisfied requirements and calculating the possibility of dating with her.

In his book, “How to find your one true love”, Bo Sanchez mentioned that this mindset is a mental burden. And removing that will let you experience and know more people. Simply know a woman better to be a friend, not to be a date. At least there are 5 benefits that Bo mentioned about this new mindset.

  • You will grow into an individual who is more capable of socializing, friendly and confident
  • You will get more understanding of yourself and what you need from a woman; you can start evaluating your reaction towards each woman.
  • You will get more understanding of woman; you will be amazed to see the differences between different women.
  • You will get much more new friends.
  • You will get enjoyable experience with your new friend.

4. do not become another person

An important thing that women like, it is a man with confidence. Instead of making up fake strength to hide your weaknesses, use your strength. Here is an article that opens my eyes, Dating tips for shy guys. Introverts are not necessarily shy, but that article will help you to use your strength in approaching women. Here is quoted in the article about being eye-catchingly honest…

David Wells, 31, confirms, “When I was younger, I made the mistake of thinking I had to act suave,” he says. But since then, he’s upfront about the fact that he’s shy. “A lot of women think it’s charming!” he says.

Tim Burke & Michael Burke

Some other useful tips given in the article are choosing the venue wisely, add question mark to your statement, listen, or taking an improv class, a class that will help you get used to making an idiot of yourself. Even if you’re an introvert or a shy guy, you can learn

5. do not become a nice guy

Another article that inspire me to write this article, “Why women don’t want nice guys!” by Sharen Sia. Check the article for the 6 points that nice guy thinks they did it right but they don’t. Concluding the article, Sharen put this statement…

The ultimate truth here is that Nice Guys just don’t love themselves; women need someone who’ll love herself more. In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself.

Sharen Sia

Here again an important point that you must think of, are you becoming a nice guy because you are not confident of yourself, hence you can only give without take? Afraid of losing her, hence you can’t even say “NO!” to her, remember what Dr. Henry Cloud says about intimacy…

Intimacy does not thrive where someone is not free to choose separateness without guilt.

Dr. Henry Cloud

6. do not be sloppy

Okay, most girls may not look very much whether a guy is sexy and muscular or not, but girl will look forward to a confident man. And now here is an important point

Does your face convey confidence?”, that’s a message from David Rogers, informing us that even your face in photograph can convey your confidence level. Even more with how your outlook is; have you given any thought of how you walk and how you sit? How about the way you present yourself? How do you dress and how is your hair style?

Confidence is very important and that can be seen with how you present yourself, sit straight, walk confidently, throw out your chest, have a firm handshake, smile and talk confidently, all these will give you some impression that you are confident. And first impression is very important to get your date. Sometimes, besides inside out, we need to do it outside in as well, as David said…

part of gaining confidence is learning to “fake it before you make it”.

David Rogers @

7. do not be passive in loving

Back to Bo Sanchez’s book, here is his tip for guys to become an attractive person…

be a strong man, who has the aggressiveness of a man, but use this to love.

Bo Sanchez

Passive men is just not attractive, what women looking forward is to stand to his belief, active, and aggressive, but here is an important point, use that to love. We should start showing aggressiveness in giving attention and affection, especially to women. Again, it is not as if they are potential date, but as a friend. It’s about practicing your love, giving attention and help when needed.

8. do not always love with your mind

If you are thinkers, deep and very likely to solve problems with your mind and logic, you will need to know this quote, shared by Sharen in her post about the difference between men and women

When men share their problems, they want solutions.
When women share their problems, they want empathy.

Sharen Sia quoting from “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, a book by John Gray

Many times, women’s problems are irrelevant to us, out of our sense, out of our logic, and out of our understanding. It’s so simple to be solved yet it troubled her so much, as if they are exaggerating small problem too much. That’s when you have to realize that women need to be loved with empathy, not with solutions or how to solve them. They just need listening ears and encouragement.

9. do not be a coward

From the book, Bo shared a warning for women, warning for coward guys. Here is what he said,

Women, I warn you, some men are selfish, heartless coward. They are giving hope for a number of women, and then throw their heart to the ground.

Bo Sanchez

Why do guys usually do that? Because those guys are afraid of rejection, they can’t say from the beginning that they are interested with a woman. Those guys will then give small signs, special affection, with the hope that she will return with some signs eventually, those that will help them to make a move.

No, I’m not contradicting with the tips no. 7, the love practice tips that I shared, we should be proactively giving in affection as friends, keep your limit until you are really interested in a particular woman. That is the time not to become a coward, be eye-catchingly honest with your feeling. And don’t be afraid of rejection!

In conclusion

As I have shared with you earlier, I’m no expert in dating; I need to learn a lot from you guys. I find that the insights above click with me, many are the reasons why I am not getting any girlfriend until now =(. Hope you can learn from these mistakes and be a great man. A quote from my pastor…

We are male by birth, we are man by choice

Pst. Kong Hee

Make the right decision to become a great man.

For more dating tips for men, check out Alex Kay’s blog, Just Keep The Change, and here is a great article from him, “Get Started Being with the Women You Desire and Live a Better Life, sharing how close attractiveness to your self-improvement effort, to be happy and to feel great about yourself. From his own words…

The people around me found me much more attractive because of my newfound happiness. Things went better at work, I had so much more fun with my friends, I had started talking to more people in shops and on the streets etc.

Alex Kay @ Just Keep The Change

I’m learning to apply the above points as well. I believe on personal growth, when we grow personally, we will also become a more attractive person.

Please do share your thoughts on the tips above, what are your additional tips? I’m open to any feedbacks that you think of those points as well.

My next article will touch on the dating tips for women, so… subscribe to my RSS feed here not to miss it. Here is some information on RSS if you need it.

Wish you success in your social and love life.

For your success,

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  1. Robert, glad to find your blog through Blog Mastermind. This is some amazing material you got here, very in depth and honest. I’ll be spending a lot of time running through your archives! Thanks!

  2. Robert A.

    Hi Albert, welcome to my blog!
    Thanks a lot for your comment, hope that you will be much inspired from my articles!
    You have a great blog, looking forward to learn many things from you too!

    All the best!

  3. Hi Robert – these are great tips. The positive attitude is impressive – “what can you learn about dating from someone who has never dated before? It’s the mistakes!” The message seems to be that the guy must have inner confidence and self esteem before he can make someone else like him. A great reminder to us all!

  4. Robert A.

    Hi Al, thanks a lot for the comment about the attitude.
    It’s inspired by Valentine day, and I wanted to share about dating and relationship.
    At first I wonder, what I can share about that, as I have no experience.

    Here’s what I learn as I’m writing this article:
    1. Take off your eyes from yourself, look on what you have and what you can help your readers. I’m just giving what I have right now, blogging has made me to surf the net a lot, and I found the above articles that I find it very useful for shy and introvert person.
    2. You can’t change your past, but you can change your action now.
    As what I shared before, I blog as declaration of what I’m pursuing, I have to change from my mistakes, and I’m learning!

    Thanks for the stumble and the support as well!!!
    Glad to know you in blogosphere!

  5. Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk

    Great article! I’m not a guy and have been happily married for years. Your article made me smile because my husband didn’t have to worry about how to get dates. He was working in a high energy physics laboratory working on his thesis project for his Ph.D. when I got a job as a summer student. (I had just graduated in physics.) He was just thinking it was time to get into some activities so he could meet some girls, when I walked in the door and made it easy for him. How lucky can you get!

  6. Robert A.

    Hi Jean, thanks for sharing your story!
    Your husband is so lucky, but I’m sure he’s making lots of effort to pursue you also =)


  7. Robert, great article!

    Once you get the “not-to-do’s” out of the way, here’s a piece of advice from a woman. Ask her to have dinner with you, or ask her to a movie, or ask her to meet you for drinks or coffee. Ask her to take a walk with you in the park. Key action step: ask her out!

    It’s ok to ask a friend out, and keep it fun and friendly. Expect to get to know each other better and stop there. Neither of you will lose a friend and both will probably have a good time.

    Even though women are much more liberated and sophisticated than we were 30 years ago, we still expect for the man to do the asking. Few women will make the first move to ask a man out on a date. It’s changing, but we were all still raised with a considerable amount of gender bias and expectations. Like it or not, she will generally expect you to do the asking.

  8. Robert A.

    Hi Sherri, thanks a lot for the advice. I guess I really need to ask women out more often, asking her out for dinner or something.
    Thank you so much for the ideas!

  9. This is all really great advice Robert, nice to see!

    Thanks so much for the reference, it’s really appreciated mate. And good luck with your improvement, I’m sure you’re going to get far!


  10. Robert A.

    Hi Alex, thanks a lot for your encouragement!
    Wish you all the best with your improvement too!

  11. Phil Fine

    I hate to say this, Robbie ol’ boy, but your suggestions sound no different from those found in the run-of-the-mill dating guides put out by the likes of Robert A. Wray & Co. (He goes so far as
    to encourage men to learn to play the guitar in order to woo women).

    I think that in the dating game (some game!)introverts can best help themselves by linking up with other introverts — preferably of the same background and IQ level. Joining Mensa is one option, joining a book club is another. (And IQ is important. Hertstein & Murray, in their book “The Bell Curve,” argue that people who marry tend to be within a few IQ points of one another).

    And, as for telling intellectuals that they shouldn’t be analytical, that’s ridiculous! A person is who he is. If he’s analytical, then he needs to find a woman who’s analytical. Ditto if he’s an intellectual, or a scientist or whatever.

    A lot of these self-help dating gurus in the U.S. would do well to read Richard Hofstedter’s “Anti-intellectualism in American Life.” Although this might not get them a date, it would open their eyes to the stupidity that characterizes so much of the self-help business in the U.S.!

  12. Phil,
    Amen to that! See my comment above.

  13. this is a helping tip to all the guys out there who wants to go to a date that they really want and the donts are specific…

  14. Moon Walker

    I went out on a date recently with an introvert woman, who would talk very little. Now, I’m myself an introvert, but have a dual personality. My real personality is that of an introvert, a thinker and reflector, but my external personality is that of an extrovert when I choose to be one. So on this date, I was imitating people and cracking jokes, even though she was only smiling at them, not laughing.

    Eventually, I asked her what the issue was with the other previous suitors, and she said that most of them were quite boring. I then asked her if she found me boring, and she said no.

    There will be another date after this, and we’ll take it further from there.

    The point I’m trying to make is that introverts best get along with one another, although one of the two individuals involved has to act like an extrovert in order to keep the conversation going. Thought I’d share my two cents on this issue.

  15. Don’t do chatting for long periods until you meet your partner physically; avoid discussing unnecessary things. Don’t talk about the things in which the other person is not interested.

  16. Son Goku

    I’m with Phil on this one. A lot of this advice is the same rhetoric you find in seduction community circles. Slogans like “Be more Alpha”, or “Get yourself out there.”, “Agressive, Agressive, Agressive!”, “Women love confidence” ect. This is why my mantra about the dating game is the same as in the movie Wargames: “The only winning move is not to play.”
    And Sherri, you admit that women have come far in 30 years. How far is that if they still expect men to do the asking 100% of the time. You can’t have it both ways. Now I know why so many American men choose not to date American women.

  17. spencer

    “Do not become another person” hardly belongs in a list full of suggestions to change one’s personality and behavior to essentially imitate an extrovert.

    Also – if a woman requires this, she is shallow and not worth pursuit.

  18. Double-B

    The reason women still require the man to ask them out on a date is – if the man asks, he has to pay for her too!

  19. Gabriel Kent

    Wow, what a great article. I’m so glad I stumbled across it, because it’s exactly what I needed to hear. Most of the tips translate exactly into what I’m currently dealing with, especially the analyzing of female friends as possible dates. I do have a question though. Since I’m a college student and an engineering major, I don’t have any time for social events and rarely meet girls outside of my classes. A part of me finds it unprofessional to pursue the girls that I meet in my classes because I consider them my peers and even co-workers. Any thoughts on this? I’m currently attending a Christian university and only have two years left until graduation. Not to be hasty, but I feel like I need to make use of the time that I have at my college because there are alot of great, Christian girls who could be potential matches for me. I know that I need to get out there more and not be afraid to be bold, but it’s hard meeting girls who are outside my major.

  20. Introverted

    I agree with Phil and Sonu on this. The advice points to trying to change yourself to someone you are not. It seems that if you are Introverted then you have no chance. It would be nice to include tips on activities that would help Introverts ‘get out there’. Fun classes or semi structured activities is a good way IMO. Language classes, book clubs etc would encourage participation in group activities and get you ‘out there’.

  21. Introverted Woman

    As a woman, I found this article a bit insulting. It makes women out to be shallow and only interested in the “alpha male” type. I cringed at how many times he suggested to be aggressive. I couldn’t be any less attracted to aggression. There are people of all types in each gender. So don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to pursue women, as if we’re all the same. You’ll end up with someone you’re not compatible with. It seems these dating problems are leading to negative attitudes toward women among some introverted men. Keep in mind that it’s hard for introverts of all genders to meet people and date. I know from experience.


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