Dating Introvert: Men’s not-to-do list in getting a date
How was your Valentine day last week?
Do you manage to have a date, or do you spend the night alone?
I have made mistakes… I realized after 25th years of my alone (and sometimes lonely) Valentine day. I have no experience in dating. You may wonder… what can you learn about dating from someone who has never dated before?
It’s the mistakes! This article will share with you insights that open my eyes, things that you should avoid in getting your date. That is the not-to-do list of finding your date.
More importantly, these points are not for you to get any date, not for you to turn any women to be your date; this is about finding the right one for you, not the perfect one (because no one is perfect) but your real true love.
Here it is, the 9 things not to do to get your true love…
1. do not be desperate.
This is inspired by Craig Harper, on his article, Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo. Here’s what he mentioned about your single time now…
People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation – not attractive.
Remember, desperation is just not attractive!
2. do not be isolated.
Introverts enjoy being alone, or I should say it, introverts need to be alone to be recharged; hence they find networking and gathering draining their energy. If you’re looking for a date, isolation will never help. Gathering and stuff are important; they will help you know more friends and women especially.
Be aware that this kind of event will normally drain your energy, so ensure that you’re in tip top condition before you come to such event, so that you will look confident and comfortable to get to know more people.
3. do not start analyzing your new friend to become your date.
Here is a trap that many thinkers will do, they start thinking with their logic, observing and analyzing a friend they just started to know, evaluating them against the criteria of a desired date, start ticking all the satisfied requirements and calculating the possibility of dating with her.
In his book, “How to find your one true love”, Bo Sanchez mentioned that this mindset is a mental burden. And removing that will let you experience and know more people. Simply know a woman better to be a friend, not to be a date. At least there are 5 benefits that Bo mentioned about this new mindset.
- You will grow into an individual who is more capable of socializing, friendly and confident
- You will get more understanding of yourself and what you need from a woman; you can start evaluating your reaction towards each woman.
- You will get more understanding of woman; you will be amazed to see the differences between different women.
- You will get much more new friends.
- You will get enjoyable experience with your new friend.
4. do not become another person
An important thing that women like, it is a man with confidence. Instead of making up fake strength to hide your weaknesses, use your strength. Here is an article that opens my eyes, Dating tips for shy guys. Introverts are not necessarily shy, but that article will help you to use your strength in approaching women. Here is quoted in the article about being eye-catchingly honest…
David Wells, 31, confirms, “When I was younger, I made the mistake of thinking I had to act suave,” he says. But since then, he’s upfront about the fact that he’s shy. “A lot of women think it’s charming!” he says.
Some other useful tips given in the article are choosing the venue wisely, add question mark to your statement, listen, or taking an improv class, a class that will help you get used to making an idiot of yourself. Even if you’re an introvert or a shy guy, you can learn
5. do not become a nice guy
Another article that inspire me to write this article, “Why women don’t want nice guys!” by Sharen Sia. Check the article for the 6 points that nice guy thinks they did it right but they don’t. Concluding the article, Sharen put this statement…
The ultimate truth here is that Nice Guys just don’t love themselves; women need someone who’ll love herself more. In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself.
Here again an important point that you must think of, are you becoming a nice guy because you are not confident of yourself, hence you can only give without take? Afraid of losing her, hence you can’t even say “NO!” to her, remember what Dr. Henry Cloud says about intimacy…
Intimacy does not thrive where someone is not free to choose separateness without guilt.
Dr. Henry Cloud
6. do not be sloppy
Okay, most girls may not look very much whether a guy is sexy and muscular or not, but girl will look forward to a confident man. And now here is an important point
“Does your face convey confidence?”, that’s a message from David Rogers, informing us that even your face in photograph can convey your confidence level. Even more with how your outlook is; have you given any thought of how you walk and how you sit? How about the way you present yourself? How do you dress and how is your hair style?
Confidence is very important and that can be seen with how you present yourself, sit straight, walk confidently, throw out your chest, have a firm handshake, smile and talk confidently, all these will give you some impression that you are confident. And first impression is very important to get your date. Sometimes, besides inside out, we need to do it outside in as well, as David said…
part of gaining confidence is learning to “fake it before you make it”.
7. do not be passive in loving
Back to Bo Sanchez’s book, here is his tip for guys to become an attractive person…
be a strong man, who has the aggressiveness of a man, but use this to love.
Passive men is just not attractive, what women looking forward is to stand to his belief, active, and aggressive, but here is an important point, use that to love. We should start showing aggressiveness in giving attention and affection, especially to women. Again, it is not as if they are potential date, but as a friend. It’s about practicing your love, giving attention and help when needed.
8. do not always love with your mind
If you are thinkers, deep and very likely to solve problems with your mind and logic, you will need to know this quote, shared by Sharen in her post about the difference between men and women…
Many times, women’s problems are irrelevant to us, out of our sense, out of our logic, and out of our understanding. It’s so simple to be solved yet it troubled her so much, as if they are exaggerating small problem too much. That’s when you have to realize that women need to be loved with empathy, not with solutions or how to solve them. They just need listening ears and encouragement.
9. do not be a coward
From the book, Bo shared a warning for women, warning for coward guys. Here is what he said,
Women, I warn you, some men are selfish, heartless coward. They are giving hope for a number of women, and then throw their heart to the ground.
Why do guys usually do that? Because those guys are afraid of rejection, they can’t say from the beginning that they are interested with a woman. Those guys will then give small signs, special affection, with the hope that she will return with some signs eventually, those that will help them to make a move.
No, I’m not contradicting with the tips no. 7, the love practice tips that I shared, we should be proactively giving in affection as friends, keep your limit until you are really interested in a particular woman. That is the time not to become a coward, be eye-catchingly honest with your feeling. And don’t be afraid of rejection!
As I have shared with you earlier, I’m no expert in dating; I need to learn a lot from you guys. I find that the insights above click with me, many are the reasons why I am not getting any girlfriend until now =(. Hope you can learn from these mistakes and be a great man. A quote from my pastor…
We are male by birth, we are man by choice
Pst. Kong Hee
Make the right decision to become a great man.
For more dating tips for men, check out Alex Kay’s blog, Just Keep The Change, and here is a great article from him, “Get Started Being with the Women You Desire and Live a Better Life”, sharing how close attractiveness to your self-improvement effort, to be happy and to feel great about yourself. From his own words…
The people around me found me much more attractive because of my newfound happiness. Things went better at work, I had so much more fun with my friends, I had started talking to more people in shops and on the streets etc.
I’m learning to apply the above points as well. I believe on personal growth, when we grow personally, we will also become a more attractive person.
Please do share your thoughts on the tips above, what are your additional tips? I’m open to any feedbacks that you think of those points as well.
Wish you success in your social and love life.
For your success,