Let’s say NO! (How to make better decisions Part III)

Jan 14, 2008 by

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Do you dare to say NO!?

This article is part of “How to make better decisions” series, following the first two articles that I have written.

The first part of this series, I’m writing more of how to say YES! We need to say YES for opportunity to be a better person, to be able to give our best for others, and to obey and glorify God. However, we are not supposed to say YES! for every option that comes into our way, we need to be able to say NO! as well.

Why we need to say NO?

My second part in the series talk about things to be aware of in decision-making, that is the anchor or point of reference we’re taking, the social pressure, and the emotion. All of them are not a good indicator or reasons for a good decision making. We better say NO! than taking decision that is influenced by them. We need to say “NO” so that we are not being taken advantage by other people.

I believe many of us having a hard time to say NO! trying to be nice, out of naiveness, or maybe out of desire to be accepted and loved, we give out, pour out of ourselves a lot, and unable to say NO! We are afraid of hurting the other people, we wondered if we will break the relationship, we are afraid to miss out the opportunities and we are obliged to do more and give out of ourselves more than we can.

So here is the reason why we should say NO in our relationship!

1. For more intimate relationship

Huh?? intimate relationship by saying NO!? How can it be? Here is a quote that shock me from Dr. Henry Cloud in the book Changes That Heal (check resources below).

Intimacy does not thrive where someone is not free to choose separateness without guilt.

Dr. Henry Cloud

It’s so true, how can we say that relationship intimacy if we have to obey or behave as the other person expected with feeling of obligation and guilt. That’s not intimacy, but a fake relationship. Do what you need to do out of love and sharing instead of obligation and guilt.

2. Appreciating our limitation

We’re all human, and we’re all have limitation. Saying NO means that we’re taking responsibility of our own. Here is a quote from Dr. Henry Cloud in the book Changes That Heal…

Maturity is the process of properly realizing what our limits are.

Dr. Henry Cloud

Maturity doesn’t always mean a successful position or wonderful character and personality. Maturity can be achieved wherever you are, when you know who you are, when you’re taking responsibility of who you are, and you can realize and appreciate your limit by saying NO!

3. Appreciating others’ limitation

When we’re releasing ourselves from guilt of unable to perform what others’ expected, we are also released from the expectation that others will do what we expected. When we’re doing something out of guilt and obligation, we often expect returns. You will have to realize that others will have limitation as well, others cannot always do what we expect. You can say NO! rather than be disappointed later.

Check your motivation when you’re ready to say YES! check yourself that you’re willing to take risk, are you willing to give out from love and sharing. Are you able to love without afraid, and you should not regret your decision and look back!

Is “saying NO!” selfish?

I will not say so, instead, here is a quote that I love from Dr. Henry Cloud…

Owning our desires breeds responsibility and love. We can lovingly give others their requests, for we know that we don’t have to in order for them to love us.

Dr. Henry Cloud

Saying NO! takes courage, don’t take it as being selfish, take it as being responsible with our decision, to take stand of our beliefs and principles, to own our desire and expectation. Say NO! so that eventually you can give to others freely and out of love.

Do you dare to say NO!?

Please share your thoughts in the comment!

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(photo by ganessas)

 

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4 Comments

  1. I guess the key here is to decide when and where to say NO! versus Yes! Every situation is different, to be able to make the right choice will be the key to our success.

    Say No! to a request coming from your director in the company for example could be a career limiting move, but without saying No! to poor leadership in some situations could lead to even worse result. Say No! to expectations that casted on you by others is not easy to do, but without saying No! your life could end up driven by the demand of the world that had placed on you.

    The real smart ones and successful ones are the ones who can master the art of making the right choice.

    Good post, keep it up!

    Cheers!
    Wyatt

  2. Robert A.

    Hi Wyatt, thanks for commenting here!

    I do agree with you, the successful people are those that is able to decide correctly, when to say YES! and NO!
    Not to be people-pleaser, but not to be fearful or ignorant of opportunities as well.
    It’s a skill we need to learn and keep on practicing! The secret is not to look back and regret our decision, instead, keep on moving forward!

    Thanks!
    Robert

  3. Hi Robert,

    thanks for this great article! You’re so right about saying no and the intimacy of a relationship.. it really is an eyeopener to me though, thanks for that.. Indeed, in a true relationship you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no, nor should the other one make you feel guilty about it.. True love is about nurturing each others, but also in helping each other nurturing your own souls…

    thanks for that great song too, I posted about it on my blog!
    best wishes to you, I’m glad I found your blog! (added it to my reader..)

    Ellen

  4. Robert A.

    Hi Ellen, the quote is taken from Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Changes That Heal, it gives a very good guidance on boundary and saying NO! is one of them.
    And you have a great thought there…

    True love is about nurturing each others, but also in helping each other nurturing your own souls…

    It’s so true! Thanks for giving me an incoming link from your blog, also for subscribing to my blog.
    Really appreciate it!

    Keep on smilin’
    Robert

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  2.   The lazy man’s guide to better decision making — Reason-4-Smile Weblog - [...] the third part of the series (”Let’s Say NO!”), I’m sharing with you the importance of saying NO!, one…

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